Living through the dark
by rorybonjovi
Summary: When Max's world is crushing down on her, she will need to face her fears in order to survive… MA
1. 1hurt

Title: Living through the dark Author: mabunny Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue... Rating: R Show: Dark Angel Genre: Drama/Tragedy Pairing: M/A Summary: When Max's world is crushing down on her, she will need to face her fears in order to survive... Author's Notes: Takes place after "The Berrisford Agenda"  
  
He walked into the apartment, not even bothering to knock first – but then again, when has he ever? – And went straight towards her bedroom from where he could clearly hear her talking to OC. He stood there, leaning on the doorframe for a few seconds, watching her sit on the edge of the bed with her back to him, saying:  
  
"I really don't know what to do anymore"  
  
And he could hear her voice cracking. He wanted nothing more then to say some kind of smart-aleck joke to lighten the mood, but that was when OC spotted him, hugging her boo and silencing him with a finger raised to her lips.  
  
"I'll be right back"  
  
She said to her, and with that she left her boo to collapse on the bed as she walked out of the room – tugging at Alec's jacket and motioning for him to follow her quietly without a word. After making sure the door is closed, she went up to him, now standing in the middle of the living room, and said impatiently  
  
"What do you want?"  
  
"I just came by to talk to max... is everything ok?"  
  
He said, now worried at the scene we witnessed earlier.  
  
"No. and she ain't up to hearin' ya today, so why don't you leave now and talk to her some other time, a'aight?"  
  
she said, knowing that the longer he stays, the more chances there are for Max to have to see him, and she knew that was the last thing her boo needed right now. "Look, I wanted to talk to her at work today but she wasn't there."  
  
He said, already beginning to loose his patience.  
  
"I don't think now is the best time for her to talk to ya, so whatever it is, it's gonna have to wait."  
  
She said, trying to push him towards the door unsuccessfully – seeing as he was much stronger then her. He was about to say something else when he heard a little voice behind him say  
  
"What are you doing here?"  
  
He turned around to see Max standing at the doorway of her bedroom, her skin pale and beaten – all black and blue – and her eyes swollen from obviously crying for a long time since before he got there. He faintly heard OC making her exit behind him, saying  
  
"Sorry boo. I tried... I gotta go anyway..."  
  
And leaving the two transgenics alone.  
  
"Normal said you called in sick today. I wanted to see if you're alright – which you're obviously not. What happened?"  
  
He said, and by the end of his mumbling he was already standing close to her, examining her bruised face.  
  
"Nothing."  
  
She stated simply, avoiding both his touch and his eyes. She walked past him to the kitchen and got herself a tall glass of milk.  
  
"Was there anything else you wanted?"  
  
She asked, wanting him to disappear before she starts crying again, her voice already cracking. He looked at her, shocked, his first intentions of thanking her for what she did for him the previous day already far away from his mind, replaced by the building concern for her well-being. After a few moments of silence, when the soft sound of her now empty glass hitting the counter woke him up from his shock, he finally managed to say  
  
"Was it White? Did he get to you again?"  
  
She laughed inwardly, thinking 'if only that was all that has happened to me in the last 24 hours...' but instead just saying  
  
"Yeah, that too... can you leave now?"  
  
"Look, I didn't come here to fight, alright? I just wanted to thank you for saving my ass yesterday. I wanted to tell you that at work but when I heard you called in sick, I was worried..."  
  
"I thought you wanted my absence. Isn't that what you said at Crash? So why all of a sudden are you coming to look for me, huh?"  
  
She said, still not looking at him.  
  
"Look, I'm sorry for saying that, ok? I was kinda in a bad mood."  
  
"Yeah, well, now I'm the one in a bad mood, so why don't you just leave me alone, huh?"  
  
She said, making a bee-line to her bedroom only to have her arm caught by his hand, making her turn around again to face him. But she still didn't dare to look at him, and it was getting on his nerves.  
  
"Just talk to me, ok?" he said desperately.  
  
"I don't think so. Now let go before I kick your ass!"  
  
She said, memories of the awful day she had swimming in her head, making her sick and dizzy.  
  
"Not until you tell me what happened!"  
  
"When you asked me to leave, at Crash, I respected that. Why the hell can't you just do the same and go away?!?"  
  
"Because I know better then that now. You obviously need someone to talk to about this, whatever it is-"  
  
"And that person is you of all people?"  
  
"Maybe. I'm making it me now, so you just don't have much of a choice, ok?!?"  
  
"God! Just let me go and get the hell out of here!"  
  
But he didn't even flinch at her screams. He knew how badly he needed to talk to someone about Rachel, someone who'll understand, and that she probably needs the same thing right now – even if she won't admit it. He knew he was gonna have to fight her for this, but he was determined to help her, to pay back for all the times she helped him and saved his ass. He put his hand on her face, making her look at him for the first time since he got there, but what he saw in her eyes broke him inside. There was fear and anguish, helplessness that her usual stubbornness wouldn't let her show at any other time. He guided her to the couch slowly; already afraid of what he was going to hear from her. As they sat down, he wrapped his arms around her in a small attempt at comfort, fully expecting her to move away, even hit him for getting so close – but nothing came. Nothing but tears, as she let herself break down again, and he let her cry for a while, not wanting to let go, and sensing she didn't want him to, either. After what seemed like hours, she finally looked up at him – on her own – mumbling "thankyou"s and "sorry"s which only made him hug her tighter. Then he said  
  
"Are you ready to talk now?"  
  
She just buried her head in his neck, hoping to just stay like this for a while longer, but when he said  
  
"Well?"  
  
She knew he won't let go of it. Remembering a conversation that took place in a church a year earlier, she said  
  
"Do you think some things are unforgivable?"  
  
Her question took him by surprise but he knew he had to say something or she won't continue to talk anymore.  
  
"I don't know. I hope not."  
  
He had a lot of things he needed to be forgiven for, and so he opted for heart-felt sincerity instead of the sarcastic jokes he had on his mind.  
  
"Do you think there's a good place somewhere?"  
  
He heard her ask quietly. At first he thought he heard her wrong – a good place? What was that about? But when after a few seconds she lifted her head again, fear and innocence shown clearly in her eyes, and he knew there was a reason for the questions, he just couldn't see himself as the right person to answer.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
He asked finally. She let out a disappointed sigh and then just went on with her questions.  
  
"Do you think we were better off in Manticore? That things made sense there?"  
  
"No! What makes you say that?!?"  
  
He was shocked to hear that, especially coming from her. Suddenly she got up, tearing herself away from his embrace and making him stand up as well, and walked to her bedroom.  
  
"You should go"  
  
She said, simply, before closing the door behind her, leaving him shocked and confused as to what had just happened. It took him a few minutes to gather his thoughts and walk out of the apartment, but now he was on a mission: he was going to find out everything about what happened to Max, and since he knew she won't tell him anything else on her own – not tonight, anyway – he went for the one person who might have some answers for him – or at least a possible lead. 


	2. 2useless info

Title: Living through the dark Author: mabunny Disclaimer: Not mine, don't sue... Rating: R Show: Dark Angel Genre: Drama/Tragedy Pairing: M/A Summary: When Max's world is crushing down on her, she will need to face her fears in order to survive... Author's Notes: Takes place after "The Berrisford Agenda"  
  
Logan's apartment, evening.  
  
Alec came in, not even bothering to knock on the door, seeing the place all trashed up and Logan working on his computer – seemingly unaware of the chaos around him. He comes a little closer to the older man and looks over his shoulder to the screen, on which he sees all the usual "Eyes Only" stuff...  
  
"Whacha workin' on there?"  
  
Logan was startled for a second but recovered pretty quickly, saying  
  
"Didn't see you there... um, I'm just working on the usual things, nothing interesting. Did you want something?"  
  
"Well, now that you've mentioned it, I do. But before we get to that, what the hell happened to your place, man?!?"  
  
"Max"  
  
He said simply, as if it was the most obvious answer.  
  
"Well, I know she can be more then a little violent, but I also happen to know that she usually find other punching bags, namely me, to get her frustrations out."  
  
"Yes, well, anyway, what was it that you wanted?"  
  
"It involves Max, actually, and maybe even your less-then-sparkling apartment..."  
  
"What about it?"  
  
"She been acting weird all day now, and it's really starting to bug me. You know anything about that?"  
  
"Not more then you do."  
  
"Ok then. That was very... unhelpful. See ya'"  
  
And with that, he was out the door – more confused then before. He wanted to help her but he didn't even know how. He went to Crash and immediately spotted OC. 'Maybe she can clear some things out for me' he thought. She was sitting at the usual table when he took a sit next to her.  
  
"Hey"  
  
"Hey yourself"  
  
"So, wanna tell me what happened to our lovable kitty?"  
  
"Look, boy. It ain't no business o' yours, 'k? So you might wanna stick your nose elsewhere."  
  
"Look, whatever it is, it seems serious to me. I mean she already told me that White was after her, so why don't you just spill, alright?"  
  
"If you already know that much, then I don't know much more then you do. But I do know that my boo don't need no bull from your ass right now cause she's got a lot to deal with, and she ain't one to share..."  
  
"But what if I can help? I mean, we don't know what kinda mess she's in."  
  
"Do what you want boo, but don't say I didn't warn ya'"  
  
"Good enough for me. I'll see you, then"  
  
"Bye"  
  
And he left. He had a mission now, and he knew he wouldn't be able to rest until the mission is complete. 


	3. 3breaking down

When OC got back to her apartment that night she heard loud noises coming from behind the closed door of Max's bedroom. She heard her cries and knew that she was probably walking around her room, breaking everything in her path. She became worried when she saw that the door was locked (because Max had never before locked her door...) and knocked lightly as not to disturb her too much.  
  
"Go away!"  
  
She heard the angry voice and decided that if she is going to help her boo, she gonna need the help of the only person she knew to be strong enough to deal with her. And so, more then a little hesitant about her own decision, she went to call for Alec.  
  
10 minutes later, Alec was there. It was already the tinny hours of the morning, and Seattle was under a heavy rain, so it was not at all surprising to see him standing there all soaked through.  
  
"She's in there, and it's looking even worst then it was 10 minutes ago"  
  
She said. Already leading him to the room. He knocked hard on the door, and when he was given the same answer as OC got before, he said  
  
"I'm not going anywhere, and if you don't open the door right now, then you know I'll just break in anyway. Besides, you're scaring OC here. Just open up, ok?"  
  
"NO!!!"  
  
"Well, I warned ya'"  
  
He said, and broke through the door. What he found there shocked him even more: Max was sitting in the middle of the room, on the floor. She was wearing a big long-sleeved t-shirt and long pants. Her feet were bare and she was clutching her knees to her chest. Around her were bits and pieces of broken item all over the room, making it look as a shiny and colorful carpet. He walked in slowly and carefully, signaling to OC with his hand to stay back. As he reached down to her, she buried her face in her knees and tried to shrink herself a little – fearing his closeness. He touched her arm lightly and she jerked herself away – getting some more cuts on her feet from the broken glass.  
  
"Max, don't do this to yourself. Don't turn yourself off like this. We can help you"  
  
But his words only served to push her further away, as she put her hands on her ears – struggling to not hear his voice. He knew he should get her out of this room – for starters – so he did the only thing he could think of. Ignoring her violent struggles, he took her in his arms and picked her up, trying to keep his balance while taking her to the couch in the small living room.  
  
Once she was safe on the couch, she stopped her weak attempts at hitting him and curled up, trying to lower herself to the floor. But Alec saw this and quickly caught her again. He sat on the couch and hugged her to him – despite all her protests.  
  
A few minutes later, when Max finally calmed down a bit, she closed her eyes and silent tears fell down her cheeks. OC, worried as she was, couldn't shake the sleep off of her, and decided that maybe it was best to leave it to Alec to deal with. For now, anyway. So she went to her room, making sure that Alec knows to get her if need be.  
  
Morning came, and OC woke up to find the two x5's still in the same position as before. She whispered to Alec that she will take care of Normal for them both, if he'll take care of her boo for her, and then departed with a threat for him to be decent with her or she'll have to put the smack down on his ass... Once she was out, Alec tried to move slowly as to not wake Max, but she wasn't asleep at all. She just kept crying silently and when she felt his movement, she jumped, as if only now realizing where she was.  
  
"What are you doing here?!"  
  
She said threateningly, her eyes blank – a mask Alec was well trained to recognize and even used quite frequently.  
  
"I'm not leaving until you tell me what happened"  
  
He said in an authoritative voice. She was quiet for a long time, staring at him, and he had a distinct feeling that she was trying to figure out who he is. It was a little too silent for his liking, and he was about to speak again when he saw her closing her eyes and shaking her head, trying to get rid of whatever image had popped to her mind.  
  
"I don't even know where to start. So much has happened in the last 24 hours."  
  
She said in a small – almost non-existent – voice.  
  
"Then just start at the beginning. Always a good place to start, right?"  
  
He tried to joke, although it didn't sound very funny even to his own ears.  
  
"Well, maybe not always..."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"I think this time it will be best to start with the reason I went crazy on you just now."  
  
He laughed lightly at that and said  
  
"Well, see Maxie, you're always crazy..."  
  
She didn't answer for a few moments and he thought he'd lost her trust again somehow, by reverting back to his jokes. But then she spoke again:  
  
"Today, exactly one year ago, Ben died." 


	4. 4First out of many

Sitting there, on the couch with Alec, she felt safe. Safe enough to let him hold her while memories from her near and far past came to her mind. She wasn't sure what it was about him that made her feel free like that - like she doesn't have to escape from her fears, like she's finally strong enough to confront everything – but whatever it was, it was there. She stayed silent for just a little longer, and then continued on with telling her story.

"Last year, Logan called me, telling me about some assassin who was killing people viciously. He saw a barcode on the victim, and when he showed me the picture, I recognized it as Ben's. But when I went to see him at the morgue, it didn't fit. It wasn't him."

"What, the barcode was different?"

"No, the person. It just wasn't him."

She went quiet again, making Alec think that maybe he shouldn't have interrupted her, but after a couple more seconds she went on.

"I found him at the church later. I knew he was the killer. I asked him why, but he just said that I know why, and then he left. I found him later on top of the space needle, and he said that we never should have left Menticore, that everything made sense there, that he was a good soldier. It took me a while to understand that, but I think I do now."

"What do you mean?"

"We need the structure, the stability. And it's not because we're transgenics, and not because we grew up as soldiers. It's because we are human. We need rules, order. We can't survive without it."

"You did quite alright without structure for ten years…"

"No, I didn't. I always remembered the training, Zack's orders. I always had a plan. And when I didn't – I paid for it."

Feeling Max shiver after her last words, Alec realized they are a part of a different story, for a different day. Though he did make a mental note to ask her about it at some point.

"Anyway, that day, later on, Ben and I were in the woods. He was trying to kill another victim as part of a useless quest for faith, and I fought him for it. The priest got away, but I broke Ben's legs. Lydecker was already on to us, and he was closing in. We both knew he wouldn't make it out of there, but he didn't want to go back. He thought he'd be better off dead, and he asked me to…"

Her voice, stubbornly controlled until that point, finally broke. He tightened his arms around her to show his understanding and support.

"I killed him, and then I ran away, like a coward!"

"You did what you had to do, you didn't have a choice. It's not your fault and there's nothing cowardly in staying alive!"

Max thought about his words for a few seconds, wanting so bad to believe him, to let his words calm her down, to just let him take all her fears and worries away… But she knew that it's never that easy. What she told him so far wasn't even the worst part of the story, and she needed to stay strong if she wanted to keep telling.

Alec, almost as if reading her mind (but actually just thinking about Logen's apartment) said

"That's not all, is it?"

But it came out more as a statement than a question, and he was scared that she won't take kindly to that.

Max just nodded and stared ahead with a far away look on her face, pain was clearly showing on her face as further memories flooded her mind. Finally she felt strong enough to continue, and began to speak again

"Yesterday morning I came to Logen's place 'cause he buzzed, only to find out that he accidentally pushed a speed dial number on his phone while making out with Asha on his desk. He didn't even notice me there, and I was just shock for a few seconds until they moved to his bedroom… I decided to take all the info he had on transgenics and get the hell out of there, forever… But while I was at his computer I found some files on my siblings. Updated info. He had **a lot** about everyone and he never bothered to let me know… He knew where they all are. Were."

Alec was shocked, to say the least. He never expected the idiot to be so manipulative. But by the look on Max's face, even that part of the story wasn't over. Then he noticed something and asked

"Were? So they moved away now?"

"No, they're dead."


End file.
